Joke of the Day! ( may contain offensive,racist or sexual remarks, Adult language and/or situations, and very crude humor, ENJOY!!)

So.. I will start this Topic with a classic relatively clean joke:
One day a genie is walking through a park and notices two of the saddest looking statues he's ever seen, one male one female. He decides to give them a chance at happiness and brings them to life. He says to the two confused statues," I have given you both 1 hour of life to do whatever you have ever wanted to do that would make you happy." The two statues look at each other and run off behind some nearby bushes. The bushes start to shake and the genie can here some noises and after a half hour the two statues come out from the bushes and return to the genie. The genie says," It's only been a half hour! You still have 30 minutes left, is there nothing else you want to do!" The statues look at each other and nod. The male statue says to the female," OK, but this time you hold down the pigeon while I shit on its head!"

Q: how many babies does it take to paint a house?




A: Depends how hard you throw them

One day a young boy is playing conductor with his train set in the living room. He pulls the train to a stop and says," If this your stop, hurry up and get your shit and get off. For those of you getting on the train, hurry up and sit the fuck down so we can leave." In the nearby kitchen the boys mother overhears his language and goes into the living room and says," Just who taught you to use that language! Go to your room and when you can behave you can come back down and play some more." The boy stampers off to his room. An hour later the mother asks the boy if he is gonna behave and he says yes so she lets him return to play with his train. The boy pulls the train around the track and stops it and says," If you are departing, thank you for riding with us and we hope you have a great day. If you are boarding please be seated so we can depart. For those of you upset about the hour delay, Talk to the Bitch in the kitchen!"

One Day a woman is staring at her herself in the mirror and asks her husband," Are my breasts too small?" The husband replies," No not at all, but I do know a way you could make them bigger." The woman says," I'm not getting implants if that's what you're suggesting." "No,no," says the husband," I know a different way to make your breasts bigger." Intrigued the woman asks"How?" "Well, take some toilet paper and rub it between between your breasts three times a day every day," the man says. "How does that work?" she asks. The husband replies," I really don't know how but it sure did work on your ass!"

A man was in a bar all day and he had to use the bathroom. He was in there for a while, yelling, so the barmaid reluctantly went to the bathroom to check on him.

"Sir, what are you yelling about? You're scaring the customers."

"Every time I try to flush the toilet something keeps biting my balls!"

"Sir, please get off the mop bucket."

a british guy a german and an irishman walk into a bar.

a fly lands in each of thier beers.

the british guy orders another beer from the bartender.

the german picks out the fly and chugs the beer.

and the irishman picks up the fly and squeeezes it over the glass, yelling "Spit it out ya bastard spit it out!"

What's grosser than gross?
Two vampires fighting over a bloody tampon.

What's grosser than that?
Finding a used condom on the bottom of a mayonnaise jar.

What's grosser than that?
When you open the refigerator and the rump roast farts in your face.

You want to know what's grosser than that?
When you sit on your grandpa's lap and he pops a boner.

But the one thing that is grosser than that is when you are siting on your grandma's lap and she pops a boner.

A very old woman realizes that she's seen and done everything and the time has come to depart from this world. After considering various methods of doing away with herself, she decides to shoot herself through the heart.

Not wanting to make a mistake, she phones her doctor and asks him the exact location of the heart. He tells her that the heart is located two inches below the left nipple.

The old woman hangs up the phone, takes careful aim and shoots herself in the left knee.

One day, Jeffrey complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor."

"Don't do that! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10."

Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he took his urine sample to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:




“You have tennis elbow.
Soak your arm in warm water.
Avoid heavy lifting.
It will be better in two weeks.”

Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction.

He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:


“Your tap water is too hard.
Get a water softener.

Your dog has worms.
Get him vitamins.

Your daughter's using cocaine.
Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.

Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.
They aren't yours.
Get a lawyer.

And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.”